Life Is A Bit Wistful And A Bit Delusional.
Dear Woo Woo Girl:
I have been married for 15 years. I love my husband and we have a relatively good life. He’s a good man, father, spouse, and son. We have two kids, and we both have good jobs. So, what is the problem? We go to work. Come home and do it all over again. I’m bored to tears! I am the initiator in our house. I dictate what’s for dinner, where we go on vacation, what our social life looks like. While I like being the one in control, can’t it be both ways? It would be nice if every now and then the man takes charge and everyone just does it because he says so. Our sex life is also boring. Same old missionary style with a few variations. I have been fantasizing about being thrown up against the wall and having mad passionate sex. I also have been fantasizing about being surprised. A surprise trip, dinner, gift. I dunno. Something out of the routine.
Signed: Wake me up!
Dear: Wake me up!
It is a modern day dilemma for women. To be that successful, take charge woman at work and have that man at home who cooks dinner, spills his heart, but can also be the old fashion macho guy who romances us, and rocks in bed. It’s a tall order. It’s also a question of- at the end of the day, could you give up enough control to let your husband’s personality play out in a way that is safe for him?
There are a couple of things at play here.
1. He filled a need in you. When the two of you decided to tie the knot, he was the one you said yes too, presumably because he ticked your boxes. Too often, controlling women don’t go for the fun, impulsive guy, because it takes the emphasis off them, and they need attention and managing. They go for the stable, good guy, who brings them tea in bed; not unlike the fellow you married.
Are you ready for this? Fundamentally, he won’t change. A few little things might. He might start riding his bike to work. He might get into jogging suddenly, or join a photography club with a friend. But he won’t become more assertive or the initiator you want him to be. Why? Because you chose someone who was not that person from the get go. Now, that you are more comfortable in your own skin, you are restless, questioning, and finding fault. That’s what happens. Eventually we outgrow what we thought we needed. In some ways it’s not fair. But it happens for both men and women.
2. Women want veto power in the home. It is the unconventional woman who doesn’t care what their home looks like, or whether their kids have done their homework, what’s for dinner, and who’s getting what for Christmas. It takes time, energy, and emotional steadiness to manage work and home. In the “old” days women’s role was to manage the house. The husband managed his career and was the provider. Today, roles are more fluid, blurry, complicated and exhausting. It is also a lot less fun.
3. As people we grow. We evolve. Every relationship has a time and a season. Youthful enthusiasm might have seen better days. Who grows faster, and in which direction is up for grabs. The challenge is how do you stay connected when your needs have changed? How do you get satisfied?
Well, it simple and not so simple. Changing you, is the key. Ask yourself what are you interested in now? If your emotional needs have changed, so have your interests. Take the emphasis off what your husband is not doing and what is interesting to you. You are ready and probably open for more. It’s an exciting time, believe or not. You get to redefine yourself. Everybody should! Do that thing on your bucket list that you have yearned to do. You don’t have to bring anyone along either. Do it yourself and for yourself.
It is both a cliché and a truism.
Happiness comes from self-fulfillment rather than through what other people do or do not do. The more you do for you, out of your comfort zone, the more you inspire those closest to you to do something too.
It’s a catch 22 and a little bit of an irony.
You are leading again. But this time it is by example rather than commanding. You are an inspiration because you are more fun. By osmosis, everyone around you will be too. Personalities won’t change, but the degree of playfulness will.
Don’t be like me. I had to learn the hard way. I resented having to lead the way. I was going through a bad patch- read The Woo Woo Girl. I wanted things to be very different, and I didn’t know how much people followed my lead. All I knew was I wanted to breathe. I didn’t understand that if I just lightened up, I could have changed the entire dynamic of my household. Go figure.
It WILL help immensely. But will he throw you up against the wall and make passionate love? Ask. Spice it up in a way that is comfortable to you and him. See what happens.
He won’t turn into the man of your dreams, but the tone of your relationship will change. You will like each other more because of the changes you made to yourself. But that may be it. That’s the sad part.
Life is a bit wistful and a bit delusional.
You can feel sad for the imperfect relationship or the longing that is never fulfilled. That is life. But you can also feel grateful. Gratitude goes along way in appreciating what is and that what won’t change.