What the F@#^k Is Wrong With Me?
Dear Woo Woo Girl:
I have been dating a new fellow for a month. I think it’s love! I was in a dry spell for a good 7 years but I finally think I found the right guy. I am afraid I’m going to sabotage it. I keep crying when we get close. I don’t know why I do this. Normally I am a rational person, who doesn’t fall into the category of needy. But here I am bubbling like a baby. The last few years were rough. There was a death in my family, a few relationships went sour, and my job was a bit of a nightmare. I don’t remember crying anywhere near the extent I have been crying now. And if I did, it wouldn’t be in front of a new boyfriend. I’m kind of falling apart. What do you think? Am I going crazy? Signed “Losing It”.
Dear “Losing it”
Let me tell you a little story. I was in a car accident as a teenager. Riding in a van with 4 other students we were sideswiped by a transport truck. Around and around we spun, until we came to a dead stop facing the opposite direction. It was eerily quiet for what seemed like eternity. My head was between my legs, and I could feel the pulse of my heart in my temple. I remember thinking, is this it? But it wasn’t. By some miracle we came out unscathed. The driver of our van was ex-military, and he ordered us to get out of the van, to put our vests on, and start directing traffic. We did exactly what he told us to do. We were joking, talking to cars as they slowly passed on, as we caused quite a backup on a major highway. There were truck and van parts scattered across the road. Our van took up one lane and the transport truck was in the shape of an “S” across two lanes. It was unsafe for other vehicles. This went on for three hours. At the time, I thought this might be what a war zone would feel like after a bomb had been dropped. After the mess was cleared off the road, and we were given the ok by the emergency crew, we all headed home in a cab, laughing and rehashing what just happened.
At home, I had a plate of pasta- a pot of sauce was always on our stove- and my father poured me a glass of wine listening to my story. It was a good story to recount.
It wasn’t until 9 pm, when I was tucked in bed, with the lights out, that my tongue started to swell.
I could feel my tongue double in size, and I had trouble calling out. My body started to shake, and I could feel bodily fluids circulate throughout. It was as if a garden hose was pushed into my throat and the water turned out. That, more than the accident scared the hell out of me. For some reason, I understood it was a delayed reaction. I couldn’t show emotion at the time of the accident, because my physical being didn’t consider it safe. So it shut itself down. When it felt safe, tucked safely in bed, the physical reaction to the new trauma, came out. I didn’t cry, and there was no emotion per se. I experienced fear through my body.
I have experienced this many times over in my life. I have swallowed trauma, disappointment, rage, fear, abuse. And it is always a delayed reaction to an event. Wine is often involved. My feelings are the last thing to catch up. Mind, then body, then, heart. The unity and merging of the three is not there. Which is why for the longest time, what I was searching for, I could never find. It also guaranteed that I would never be that integrated person I was meant to be. AND…I invited many unwanted people, places and things, including disease into my life.
Which brings me back to you.
Consider it a good sign that you can release emotion with this fine fellow, and he isn’t turned off. It means you feel safe. Seven years is a long time to be without a mate and it takes its toll. Your heart was yearning, and it finally found a potential home. Like Dorothy in the Wizard OZ…Even if it isn’t permanent, it’s a connection that is in alignment with you. Your heart is telling you that.
I bet you tricked yourself into thinking you were not in bad shape because that’s what we do. We rely on our logical nature to get us through things. Running here to there, thinking we have all the pieces in place, until we don’t. Because it is the nice and tidy logical pieces of our lives that convince us we are doing fine. The check marks off the to do list, creates the illusion of safety for our thinking side. The emotional ones are more particular and wait for the right time. Sometimes, when they can’t wait there is a gush of “irrational” emotion, like bawling with a new boyfriend. They have waited so long to find a friend, that they came blurting out.
So let yourself cry. Open your heart up. But also carve a space for you to do it privately.
Because everyone has their limits. Even the knight in shining armor.
You might want to explore journaling It’s is a fabulous dumping ground for emotional dung. Do it before you sleep to ward off crazy dreams-unless you like a naked you running in circles being chased by a tiger. I would also try yoga poses that open up the heart chakra. Not only is it soothing for your emotional well being, so your new boyfriend doesn’t have to walk around with a box a kleenex in his man bag, but it’s also great exercise. The lesson here is to allow your emotions to express themselves daily, so you are not like the little Dutch boy with his finger in the damn, that keeps cracking, to the point that there is a flood rather than a trickle.
Aim to become a fully conscious person who understands both their head and their heart, and that new boyfriend could turn into a box of yummy chocolate.