Will I Be Abusive Too?
Dear Woo Woo Girl: I have finally found the person I truly love, and have settled into a long term relationship with them. We have discussed having children but I am afraid I won’t be a fit mother. My own mother was abusive. If I didn’t behave in the way she wanted me to, she would fly into fits of rage or withhold affection until I apologized. Sometimes it had nothing to do with me but how her day went and I would be punished for her mad mood. She had very high expectations and lived through me which is why I never felt good enough. I was deeply affected by her, and it took me years to understand that I was my own person. But I also fly into fits of rage and am afraid I will do to my children, what my mother did to me. Signed Scared
Dear Scared: The deep wounds we carry never go away, do they? No matter how much we think we have worked through them, they linger like the odor of rotten eggs. And in many ways, we are like our parents. We mimic their behavior, and their biological makeup defines us. We inherit the bad with the good. But, we also evolve. It will take work on your part not to scream and diminish your child’s light. You know you have it in you, so it is up to you to be responsible for it.
Children represent many things, but don’t let them be a symbol of your success and failure. It is your challenge to work through the tangled web of your unmet desires for love and their right to thrive on their own terms.
It’s really quite simple. We have made parenting overly complicated. Food, shelter, love and not abusing them is really all they need from you. The rest is fluff. Learn to control your emotions. Examine your triggers, your expectations, and how to manage them. A simple trick is removing yourself from the situation. One thing is for certain. Kids will push you beyond your image of who you are.
When we raise children, we also raise ourselves.
But I really feel we have gone too far in parenting. Sheltering children from hardship, disappointment, and your faults does them an injustice. You won’t be perfect, and neither will life. You will blow a gasket, or two, that is for certain. But know where the line is and always fall back to love. That is your safe place and your children’s.
Because you were abused means you will have to be hyper aware, but don’t let it stop you from embarking on the journey. Children expand your heart to a depth that you didn’t know existed within you. They make you into the best and sometimes the worst version of you. Embrace them and embrace you.
SPIRITUAL PRACTICE: Open up your heart to infinite potential
Dear Woo Woo Girl xoxoxo