Second Chances Are No Different Than Third Or Fourth Chances
Dear Woo Woo Girl: Should I get back with my Ex? I miss him, yet he wasn’t honest and cheated repeatedly. It has been two years. I have spoken to him on and off and I have dated other guys but my heart tells me I want to try again. He wants to try again. What do you say? Signed: Second Chance
Dear Second Chance: It must be spring because you are not alone in your contemplation. We are restless: for change; connection and something exciting to happen. So think about restlessness first. Think about restlessness as a need for increasing your temperature threshold, then put it aside because it is momentary, like a good roll in the hay. LOL
Seriously. Now think about life; what it means to allow someone to enter into your life and what it means when someone exits. You hold that key, even when on the surface it looks like they did the leaving. If it was about incompatibility- your unwillingness to settle for a fellow who works as a postal carrier, or his unwillingness to settle for a girl who can’t just pick up and go, you wouldn’t have held on for so long. Longing, wistfulness, and holding on is a desire if given the chance, to see how you and they fit into a relationship puzzle with all heir flaws. No matter how they acted, they touched something at a deep level.
Sometimes it is a question about timing. There is a disparity in growth.
You can help them move along, work out issues of trust; you can choose how much you aid in helping someone grow. But is it worth it?
My experience of forgive and forget is double sided. I have asked and done both. I watched the person on the other side struggle with their hurt and pain, and was reminded of my own hurt and pain. Coming to the table with unresolved issues meant I was flawed, and they were flawed. There was and is no perfect couple. There is only the couple that are perfectly flawed for each other. In my heart, I believe you know if there is deep, deep connection; if they are the one. You should also know life.
Lust, lies, alcohol, anger, and childhood issues are the baggage of life, solo or not.
But so is the inability to say “I love you” and “You make me feel special.” We focus on sex but there are worst things.
There is a beautiful book called The Bad Girl by Mario Vargos LLosa. He is in love with Lilly- a girl he has known since she was 11. She grows up to be addicted, self-destructive, and money hungry. His unrequited love for her sees him take her back over many, many years. He is tormented in his love yet detached. It is a beautiful story of how flawed we are, and how, no matter what, we continue to love and forgive.
I am not saying to mimic the story or give your ex a second chance. I’m not saying we must torture ourselves for “love”; I am only saying when you allow someone to enter your life understand you say yes to them and their flaws. You can try to make up the rules but rules won’t change things.
If you can commit to the messiness of their growth and yours, you might have a chance.
Messiness changes things. Crying, screaming, walking around like a wounded bird for a month, brings things to a deeper level- so does staying together.
I understand, I really do, how you crave rules, guidance and other’s opinions for love. But know there are none. Nor are there easy answers or perfection. If you are in a couple for the long haul (and short haul) enough times, you will come to deeply understand this. Second chances are just another turn at the wheel, and no different than third or fourth chances other than the lessons you bring forward and the amount of energy you devote to it. Perhaps you climb up the ladder of evolvement but each rung comes from the same flawed misconception. It is like using longer words in place of the shorter words.
You can choose to grow yourself with someone or without that someone. A stranger will come along to fill that void and come with their own messiness. Depth comes by wading through the muck that is knee deep and sometimes holds you down then suddenly sets you free. It is up to you how far you wade into it.
Dear Woo Woo Girl